Rob Manfred may be making a speech in Cooperstown on behalf of a freshly inducted Pete Rose sooner rather than never. I took it upon myself to prepare some remarks for him. These words are all yours for the taking, if you want them, Rob.

Today is a momentous and overdue day for the game of baseball. We are gathered here today to bestow honor upon a legendary man who, unfortunately, is not here to speak for himself. Perhaps today can be a reminder for us in the future: do not let perfect be the enemy of good. Today can remind us that redemption is not always a straightforward path, but can instead be a long and winding road to glory.

Today is a glorious day. Today we enshrine a pedophile in this hall.

Yes, the story of Pete Rose is complicated. He did gamble on our beloved sport while acting as a player and a manager. No one can deny this. But what we also cannot deny are his monumental achievements. If we are to believe the legendary tales of his excellence, we can proudly recognize him for the unequivocal accomplishment of inserting his penis into the vagina of a 12-year-old girl while he was in his thirties. Even if we do away with some of the hyperbole that often works its way into the narratives surrounding the heroes of this game, the facts do not lie. While also in his thirties, this man was able to have sex with a 16-year-old.

Yes, his reputation may be colorful. Many times he was unrepentant regarding his infractions. However, we cannot deny his greatness. To force your cock into the mouth of innocent child is no easy task. We find ourselves without the necessary superlatives to describe his success.

This man, warts and all, repeatedly engaged in sexual conduct with a girl half his age. A girl who was still in high school. A girl who will feel the emotional pain of what Pete Rose did to her for the rest of her life. Pete Rose was able to see past such distractions. He kept his eye on the ball, so to speak, and he delivered time and time again. Perhaps we should take a page out of Pete’s book, see past the distractions of his transgressions, and instead focus on his uncanny ability to bed underage girls. We don’t call him “Charlie Hustle” for nothing.

Thank you.